Sunday, 22 June 2014

Is the Aspie marriage a bad one?


Is the Aspie marriage a bad one?

I think not, although to be honest if you had asked me last week I may just have disagreed.  Yes the stress of Christmas and getting everything done; coupled with visiting my family in the bush (unfortunately mum is no longer with us) set us off on a 3 hr. road trip not talking and not happy.

Little A in the back thought it wise to put his ear phones on ,I’m sure to block out the deafening silence that had taken over the car.

Time flew quietly with the occasional toilet stop and grunt of “do you need to go”, but we arrived safe and in one piece.  Family came rushing out to see us and smiles and hugs all around until we spun round and realised we were facing each other.

The inevitable was going to happen I knew it was coming I should have never got in the car……..Bam it hit Meltdown on a major scale Big A had lost it.

I’m sure the neighbours heard ( they’re  only 15km) away, I stood there in amazement as I watched Big A loose it I remember thinking Hmm  be understanding, he doesn’t mean it, Poor thing  but in reality what happened was ………………my back straightened , my hand curled into a fist and I screamed everything I could think of  back at him .

Not quite the text book response one is supposed to have ………..OOPS.

And of course the cool down came as both curled up in bed exhausted cheeky smiles and a I LOVE YOU was grunted from both.

The Problems Controlling Emotions In The Adult Aspie.

The Problems Controlling Emotions In The Adult Aspie.

Yes he has learnt how to adjust through out the years, he has managed to get through life and even enjoy it at times; and yet he still struggles with controlling his emotions.
They can become over whelming especially dependent on the effort and emotion that he has personally imparted to this particular scenario.

we tend too mistake the irrational outburst of behaviour as an immediate over reaction to what is happening at the time, yet we forget that this can be his debilitating hurt showing through. He is stuck, he doesnt know how to process where he is at, and yes his rational self (the one that has learnt to adapt to life and the curve balls that it occasionally throws) is screaming at him to get control.

But its too late .....his mind is racing a million miles an hour filling his self with irrational scenarios of what is happening, or what others are thinking. He is emotionally cornered, the panic is starting to show!!!
before he knows it he has spun into "attack mode"'the lethal combination of the Aspie Genius and the forked tongue of hatred.

This is where he will attack with full throttle until he can see a way to escape, as soon as that opening presents he will take it.....oblivious at times of what he has said. You will find him trying to retreat into his safe place......where he may numb his mind and reduce the thought process of what has occurred. He wont want too visit it later and he wont want too or cant remember what he has said, but over time we too can help him too overcome this stumbling block to recognize that damage that was also done to him, ways that he could handle that situation when it arises again (and it will ).

Every experience for all of us is a learning curb, for our Adult Aspies feel things more intensely at times then we realise.

Could he have been Aspie?

Could he have been Aspie?

After doing a fair bit of external and lets face it-internal research I've stumbled across the great Aspie taboo.......Sex and the intimate art of touch.
Yes you've heard it here straight from the horses mouth so to speak. 

Many partners of Aspies complain about the lack of intimacy and touch, many express their frustration and confusion as to the wall that blocks thisimportant part of a marriage.

So often you hear " is it me ", or " there must be someone else.

A few years back i knew of a couple who seemed to get along famously both had great sense of humor, both worked and maintained a brilliant companionship within their marriage but had slipped into the friend zone instead of the partner zone. For over 10 years out of their 11 yr marriage they hadn't been intimate with eachother. Thus leading too the Mrs of the partnership to move into the spare room.

I remember asking her if she had tried to talk to him about how she felt but she said he just wouldn't see it. She thought maybe there might be something wrong medically so armed with all the information she set off to have a chat with her doctor.

Now the Dr from all accounts was a nice chap but to mind didn't really help her much, he suggested that maybe Mr could join them for an appointment too rule out anything medical,, but maybe in the meantime if she alter her appearance and took some more pride in herself maybe that could make a difference to how her husband saw her. In his opinion he felt that anyone who hadn't had sex in 10 yrs was obviously cheating or "looking after himself". So now full of resentment and crushed self esteem off she toddled back home to her partner.

Suspicions began to arise and she even asked him on a few occasions if there was anyone else to which he firmly denied ( he was so angry that she would even accuse him of that).

When i caught up with her next i asked how everything was going she said " he had gone to the dr's to shut her up and everything seemed normal", so she was left feeling that he must have just lost interest in her.
This eventually destroyed their marriage and her self esteem.

I look back on this now with all that i have learned about the Aspie marriage, and so much fits

  • Mr didn't like socializing outside of his safety zone
  • He didn't like to eat or try anything new
  • He had set routines as to how he spent his time and even down to what and how he ate his dinner
  • He disliked touch and remained distant
  • He had little emotional empathy as to why mrs could be upset or as to why it affected him.

Could he have been Aspie